


there's this burning in my heart and on my skin

by dancingmalum



Series: 5sos gay one shots [11]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Comforting Calum, Fluff, Insecure Michael, M/M, Michael Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-08-29 08:27:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8482528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancingmalum/pseuds/dancingmalum
Summary: It really fucking hurts.But nobody knows about his feelings, he's managed to learn to keep everything to himself. It doesn't make it hurt any less, if anything, it makes it hurt even more. He hasn't talked to the boys about his and Calum's relationship since the breakup, and just a few days after it happened, he had convinced Luke and Ashton that he was over it, that he was okay.And god, he was so wrong and he knew it.





	

Michael can't help it, he's still in love after four years and it fucking hurts. He knows that he's not supposed to still feel that way, he knows that fame is too much for committed relationships, but he's still hopelessly in love. Every time he even looks at Calum makes him remember clumsily kissing in one of their beds when they were 15, when they were younger and could do whatever they wanted to and nobody would give them shit about it. Michael knows that if he kisses Calum again, he's not going to be able to control himself anymore and he'll accidentally let it slip that he's still in love.

He's pretty sure that Calum's over it, he doesn't seem to get upset about the band not being able to date people for real, and he certainly doesn't act like he's in love. He treats Michael the same way he treats Luke and Ashton, like brothers.

It really fucking hurts.

But nobody knows about his feelings, he's managed to learn to keep everything to himself. It doesn't make it hurt any less, if anything, it makes it hurt even more. He hasn't talked to the boys about his and Calum's relationship since the breakup, and just a few days after it happened, he had convinced Luke and Ashton that he was over it, that he was okay.

And god, he was so wrong and he knew it.

Michael stands under the shower spray, his pale skin burning as the scorching water brought searing pain to his shoulders and back. He just lets it happen, he just lets himself get burnt even though it's going to feel like hell to sleep on his back later tonight. It's probably going to sting when he puts his guitar strap on his shoulder, but it's a comforting pain that he's used to. He knows he has an unhealthy obsession with burns, but nobody else knows and in his mind, that's okay.

Maybe he should've brought it up to the boys that he self-harms after they constantly asked him if he was okay after the pyrotechnics incident at Wembly Arena, when they were concerned as to why he wasn't screaming in pain like Calum was, and Calum only burnt his arm while Michael burnt his face. He should've told them that fire and other hot things are how he harms himself, but he didn't.

Michael's eyelids feel heavy, and just as he starts drifting to sleep, he slips on the bottom of the shower and just barley catches himself so he didn't hurt himself that bad. A bottle of shampoo falls and makes a loud noise, and Michael flinches and lets out a breath. He needs to get himself together.

"You okay, Mikey?" Great, just what Michael needs, Calum worrying for him.

"Yeah, just slipped," Michael says, standing up and turning the water hotter. It's almost as hot as it will go.

"Can I join you? I forgot to shower this morning," Calum says. Michael sighs and leans against the shower wall, no way in hell is he going to let Calum shower with him. They used to shower together when there wasn't a lot of time in between events, but that was when they were super famous from She Looks So Perfect, before Michael got obsessed with burns. Now, they're only famous to their passionate fans, not most of America anymore. They don't have as many interviews as they used to, and they only play shows at night, so they have a lot more time, and Michael burns himself now.

"I'm almost done, you can shower after me," Michael finally responds. He finishes washing his hair and body before drying himself off and blowing his hair dry. His skin is a shade of red that makes him smile in a sad way, the burns are familiar and it's comforting that even though it hurts, it's what he's used to.

Michael wraps his towel around his waist, opening the bathroom door and starting to walk to his room. A hand on his shoulder sops him, though, and he winces a little bit at the pain.

"You're all red, did you dye your hair again?" Calum asks, and Michael turns around, avoiding his eyes.

"No, the water was just hot," he replies, shrugging and walking away from Calum.

"You know there's a knob that you can turn to make it colder, right?" Calum asks with a laugh, and Michael blushes and smiles as he enters his room. Their hotel room has three separate bedrooms and one kitchen area, so they each get more privacy.

~

"You okay, Mikey?" Luke asks, watching the older boy with concern when he shifts around on the couch and winces in pain. Michael nods, continuing to play Call Of Duty. "You look like you're in pain."

"Nothing's wrong," Michael insists with no emotion. He's focused on beating the bots in the game. Luke doesn't respond after that for a while, but Michael feels his eyes on him. One he wins the game, Luke takes the controller and sets it out of his reach. "What the hell, Luke, give it-"

"What's wrong?" Luke asks, grabbing Michael's hand that tries to reach his controller.

"Nothing, I'm fine."

"Michael Gordon," the blonde says in a way that always makes Michael spill. This time, however, it didn't. Michael just shrugs, looking away to avoid Luke's blue eyes pulling the answer from him. Luke stands up and takes the controller with him, and when Michael goes to grab it, he's pulled into a hug. Michael cries out in pain, jerking away from the taller boy and walking away quickly, tears forming in his eyes. "Mikey, fuck, wait," Luke gasps, running to catch up and step in front of him.

"Leave me alone, Luke," Michael mumbles.

"What happened?" Luke keeps pestering, and Michael breaks down into tears.

"I burn myself and Calum almost found out today, and he's the last one I want to know because he would love someone who hurts themselves like me," he sobs. "I should've told you earlier, I hurt myself all the fucking time and I'm addicted, I can't stop and I'm so scared to tell Calum, he'll never-" Michael cuts himself off, accepting Luke's hug, the younger boy being careful of his burns.

"Just let it all out, tell me about everything," Luke murmurs.

"When I got burnt onstage, I should've told you guys, I should've told you that I burn myself too much," Michael whispers, hiccups occasionally interrupting him. He pulls away from Luke's hug and moves a few bracelets out of way, revealing a burn scar. "There's more on my thighs." Michael glances up to see Luke with tears in his eyes. He hears a muffled sound, and he turns around to see Calum standing there with a hand over his mouth.

"Mikey, babe," Calum gasps once he sees the burn on his wrist, tears slipping from his eyes. Michael prays that he didn't hear him say anything about love. "Why- why didn't you tell me?" He asks, stepping closer and holding Michael's hand and examining the scar.

"I was scared you wouldn't love someone who can't even love himself, I never told anybody else, either," Michael tries to explain without revealing too much. "I can't stop burning myself, no matter how hard I try, I just keep doing it, I'm addicted," he starts crying again, and Calum pulls him into a hug. Michael sees Luke walk away to give them privacy.

"Is that why you don't let me shower with you? You burn yourself there?" Calum asks, but he doesn't sound rude. He sounds like he cares, and it helps with calming Michael down a little.

"It's really bad, Cal, it's not just the shower, I have a lighter that I use sometimes, too," Michael admits, crying into Calum's shoulder. "My thighs look terrible."

"Can I see? I just wanna help you," the younger boy's voice is soft and comforting as he speaks. Michael really doesn't want to show him, his thighs look absolutely horrible and he doesn't want Calum to have to see them, but the way Calum's looking at him makes him cave.

"They're- they're really bad," Michael mumbles, sniffling. He starts to undo his jeans when Calum stops him.

"Hold on, let's go to my room first," Calum says, taking Michael's hand and gently leading him to his room. "Just don't want Ashton seeing if you're not ready to tell him yet," he explains. Michael nods, sitting on Calum's bed and pushing his jeans down to his knees. He looks away so he doesn't have to see Calum's reaction, it would just rip his heart in half to see what Calum thinks of him.

"I told you, it's really bad," Michael whispers after not hearing anything from Calum.

"Mikey, babe, look at me," Calum says, and Michael sniffles and slowly turns his head to see him. "We're gonna get through this, okay? We're gonna get you the help you need, and I'll be with you the whole time, I promise," Calum promises, and Michael lets out a soft sob, wiping the tears rolling down his face. He's so in love with Calum and this just adds more fuel to the fire, how much Calum cares for him.

"I love you so much," he chokes out, hiding his face in his hands.

"Never thought I'd hear you say that ever again," Calum replies, and then suddenly they're hugging again and Michael's mumbling into Calum's chest how much he loves him and Calum's blinking back tears. "I love you too, Mikey, I love you so much. We're gonna get through this together."

Michael pulls back just enough to see Calum's face, and he leans in just slightly. Calum goes the rest of the way, connecting their lips softly. Michael feels safe, he's not afraid of what Calum thinks of him anymore. He believes Calum, they're going to get through his addiction and he knows that Calum's going to be there with him the whole time.

He's going to be okay.


End file.
